She was a girl full of dance but the music stopped playing.

You ruin everything but with a certain style and grace

It’s not gay if your back is towards the surveillance camera.

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

If the words are empty
fill them with truth

They should make a white noise sleep machine that's just Sam Elliot telling you to go to sleep over and over.

We should name tropical depressions names like Ativan, Cymbalta, Prozac, Welbutrin Xanax, and the like.

Makes the most sense.

*checks the Energy Star rating on my wife’s vibrator

A moment of silence for those who peaked in high school.

Me: I just want sleep.

Sleep: I have a girlfriend

I always forget to take names while kicking ass.

She’s a beautiful mess.

bring back tires with inner tubes
I need those good inner tubes

What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?

A cannibble.

#HatDadJoke

Overrated:
shower sex
69
low-fat ice cream

Underrated:
morning sex
nerdy men
breakfast for dinner

loving her will kill me

I'm pretty damn sure logic is an abstract thing to some people.

When people say this app is horrible and makes us all fucking dumber, I beam with pride, knowing I fucking contribute to that

Him: Relax baby, I'll be gentle.

Her: (Strapping on a 12' Dildo)
Who said i was going first?