WW3 trending and I'm here just hitting the snooze button.

Either life starts cooperating, or I’ll be adding ‘chief executive drinker’ to my resume.

Saw this. Thought of you.

Oops, I did it again. Left the toast in for too long.

I don’t mind working on a Saturday as long as I have the whole month off after that. You know, to recover.

Your bio reads like a resume. Stop that.

Sorry I'm late. I couldn't think up a good exscuse for not coming, so I had to try and think of a good reason for being late.

If everyone likes it, I'm already skeptical.

I keep trying to decide on a mantra that really fits my life and, despite all my effort, the best I can do is ‘Fuck off…it’s been a long day.’

The pressure to not let the lettuce go bad.

[goes camping]

Ahh yes I think I’ll go live worse than I normally do.

I come here to hear explanations of things that are already obvious.

because I got you, always

I’m not broken. I’m abstract art.

*sets heating pad to lava

I love getting into a clean Uber because it’s nice to know how kid-free people live.

Woke up thinking it was Saturday. So no, I don't care about your problems

Commentator: Please do not try this at home.

Me, already trying it: Fuck.

Screaming at my TV over a baseball game just like the newly risen Jesus would want it