AB Press Release parody
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Press Releases from the Government of Aburtu
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27-11-2020 18:05:59
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Since our abdication of duty, we have a surplus of government space that we were able to successfully lease out for the next two months. This is proof that our Recovery Plan is working. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown
We appreciate that citizens think our current situation would be considered a worst-case scenario. We have something much worse in mind. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown
Today is garbage day. Garbage day does not come often, so please remember to take out the trash. Should citizens fail to take out the trash, they will be stuck with garbage until the next garbage day comes around. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown #elexn44
We are officially Open for Summer: all restrictions lifted, no ban on gatherings, and absolutely no consequences. Despite the slogan, we will not have restrictions come back in the fall. We are not just Open for Summer; we are open for good. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown
Despite all evidence predicting this exact scenario, we did not foresee this scenario. Nurses will be required to work overtime and cancel vacations. We are unable to answer questions at this time as we are currently on vacation. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown
We are pleased to learn that the Health Authority will cancel surgeries before ever questioning our refusal to implement restrictions. We applaud their obedience in always putting the government's interests before the health of citizens. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown
As we sit idly by and watch hospitalizations skyrocket, surgeries cancel, and daily deaths rise, it is important to remember that kindness matters. Share the hashtag #kindnessmatters to stop the spread of COVID-19. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown
Since our abdication of duty, we have a surplus of government space that we were able to successfully lease out for the next two months. This is proof that our Recovery Plan is working. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown
Crisis averted: we will be actively overworking the few healthcare staff we have left to save the system from collapse. After which we will vilify them for being paid overtime and use it to justify wage rollbacks. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown
Since our impassioned August 4th letter entitled 'Learning to live with COVID-19', many did not learn to live with COVID-19. You may be wondering how we could willingly allow citizens to get sick and die. Correct. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown
The health services map has been updated and there are no disruptions to services. We have cancelled 50 surgeries due to service disruptions. Patients have contracted COVID-19 while in hospital. There is no risk to patients in hospital. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown
Despite all evidence predicting this exact scenario, we did not foresee this scenario. Nurses will be required to work overtime and cancel vacations. We are unable to answer questions at this time as we are currently on vacation. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown
We must learn to live with COVID-19. Pay no attention to the naysayers and facts. Citizens must be optimistic. We cannot continue living in reality, it is time to put the pandemic behind us and cheer on a bright future. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown
Concern for your family's health is normal, but also irrational. Citizens are best suited to assess their own risk: if the risk is high, you have anxiety. Help trivialize mental health issues by dismissing valid criticism with claims of anxiety. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown