emergency!

Whatever side of the parking lot I start parking on when I first go someplace is where I park until the day I die.

First Written Words Post Cardiac Arrest

Damar Hamlin: Did we win?

My Mother: Can I have a Coke?

I hope my kids go into politics, it's the only sure way to stay out of jail.

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

[1936]

Steinbeck: What did you think of the draft of 𝘖𝘧 𝘔𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘔𝘢𝘯?

Publisher: It needs more characters.

Steinbeck: I'll see what I can do.

I just want to be rich enough to be considered eccentric instead of unstable.

Connect my pants to the internet so I can get zipper down alerts and a full boner report.

When are your porch lights on?

my wife said she wanted to trade in her van for a smaller vehicle but i said no. then the car caught fire yesterday. i'm feeling sus about this event and also fear for my life.

I put in my time now so that I can die at my retirement party later.

Dogs probably see you turn on a lamp and are like what the f*ck kind of sorcery is this?

Me: I need to return these, they keep making me sick

Maternity nurse: You can’t return your kids, ma’am

Y’all don’t know what you’re missing over on the ‘don

Dave Bautista going full Katherine Heigl, should work out really well

Beatrice: call me Bea, dearie

Beatrix: call me Mistress, worm

4: How long till you'll be home?

Me: *heading to work* ah, about 8 hours...

4: ARE YOU CRAZY?!

I won't make the same mistakes next year; I'll just make a bunch of different ones.