Being a mother of two has so removed me from the zeitgeist that I didn’t even feel the damn earthquake.

Lol the first omelette I make on this LG Electronics stove is actually a binding arbitration agreement.

Me serving dinner to my three-year-old on a Sunday

Here it is

newyorker.com/news/essay/my-…

Maybe the baby shoes in the six-word story are never worn simply because baby shoes are fucking useless.

I just don’t understand how my breast milk is so fabulous if it’s made out of Italian combos and cream soda.

“Preventing picky eating” is just code for “let’s try to make them thin without giving them eating disorders.” It’s the new version of putting your kids on WeightWatchers while lecturing them about Barbie’s waist circumference.
romper.com/parenting/when…

HACK: If you have bad enough body dysmorphia, your seasonal affective disorder goes away when it gets cooler!

When people refer to their newborn babies as “earthside,” like… what planet is your uterus on?

I can’t believe I let some Instagram lady make me feel like if I didn’t feed my baby amaranth porridge he’d be condemned to a lifetime of picky eating. I eat everything and I didn’t know what an avocado was until I was 9.

Why did he need a prosthetic nose to play Leonard Bernstein? Who directed thi—
Oh.
twitter.com/MediumSizeMeec…

I’ve recently learned how to pronounce the word “arboretum,” and, I have to say, it was a bit of a let down.

“If someone had told me when we met that we’d still be going out together after 12 years, I’m not sure I’d have believed them.” - Me to a black polyester skater dress from Urban Outfitters.

Just passed a caravan of elaborately decorated cars for the elementary school graduation and I’m already annoyed that I have to add this to my plate in eight years.

New York City making decisions and providing information that would have been useful to me YESTERDAY

Very timely, helpful and not at all snake-oily information about today’s most pressing New York health concern. Thank you, NewYork-Presbyterian.

Honestly comforting if true

The thing is, however much I like her music, I can’t do more mental gymnastics for a pop star who doesn’t care if I live or die than I would for someone I know in real life.

'Content,' 'creators.' I feel like it's not a coincidence that they keep using YouTuber language.
twitter.com/DEADLINE/statu…

I still can’t believe we all just agreed to call it “Superstorm Sandy.”