If you give your kid a water bottle, they will lose that water bottle and swear that it's nowhere to be found, so you'll buy them another water bottle, at which point, the other water bottle will magically appear.

Please repost, trying to find this artist.

i always keep scrambled eggs in my pocket so i can grab a handful whenever I need a healthy snack during the day

I’ve given my husband fair warning that as soon as the kids are out of the house, I'm buying buttons to teach the dog to speak. Don't act like you didn't see this coming.

Oh yeah, well I appeared in 2 searches on Linkedin last week.

I can make the train pass faster by putting my car in park.

Packing my kids’ school lunch in reverse order just to feel something

Coworker: You wanna go to lunch?
Me: Yeah
Coworker: Okay, we’re leaving in 5 minutes
Me: Oh. Go to lunch with you guys. No

Single cuz I got about six months worth of stories before they start repeating

This just in: karma arrives late

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled 'oh my god, do I really look that young?!' and then it turned out she was 17.

If I'm at a fancy restaurant and don't know which fork to use, I'll eat with my hands so I don't embarrass myself.

'Aye, the sirens,' says the lighthouse keeper, picking a bit of tobacco from his beard. 'Some nights, when the wind is just so, I swear I can hear 'em singing.' 'What do they sing?' I prod him. A faraway look in his eyes, he says in a voice barely above a whisper, 'Tubthumping.'

I don’t want to do a thing today. I did a thing yesterday. That’s enough things.

New passive aggressive baking cups just dropped:

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

Being asked “are we doing anything this weekend?” and getting a terrible feeling you're about to be doing something this weekend.