I’m now the mom of a teenager new milf level unlocked

An “All Hands” meeting implies that there are partial or no hands meetings.

It’s national appreciate my boobs day!

If I could go back in time, I’d go back and kill the guy who came up with the idea of management.

I’ve never really been a believer in “good” mornings.. They all kinda suck.

Life goal: become a ninja who uses stale pop tarts as throwing stars.

Whenever I pass a disheveled man mumbling on the street I always play the game “Is It a Homeless Guy or Eddie Vedder?”

Must feel good for a lock to get picked

falling in love with jesus and getting the ick when he gets crucified

The day you left us,
was the day the whole
world dimmed a little.
But the sky stole back
an entire constellation.

*Normal, natural, scientific event occurs

Religious people: 'See we told you we were right.'

It’s the sun, not Medusa! Look all you want!

- eclipse intrusive thoughts

Since today is Rapture morning I’m gonna need you to sign a few papers
Nothing much just want to be sure your cars are taken care of in the apocalypse

Okay fine I'll do a photo with no face.

*Posts dick pic

Next time the lady bothers you just kick her in the testicles

Tried bringing “sexy” back. Thanks to inflation the best I could bring back was “bangable when drunk”.

I'm one zoom meeting away from losing it.

Unfortunately I have one more zoom meeting to attend.

opening Heck soon, where you’re not bad enough for Hell and not good enough for Heaven

Maybe a little silly helps us endure the sad. Perhaps a little crazy keeps us from going mad.. ❤️💋