Hey duumb You ok?

Ever have a dream so real that you thought you missed your final exam, but you wake up to the smell of coffee and the sound of your children arguing and you wish you were late for your final exam.

Her: OMG you're alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought 'a' farm.

HER: but I told everyone you're dead!

ME: That's fine

Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *Realizes I'm still young & healthy & has every opportunity to live life to the fullest*

Also me: *Stares blankly at nothing for hours*

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

Sorry I said 'nice phone' when you showed me a photo of your baby.

'Last call for flight 254'

[Runs to gate]

'You barely made it'

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I'm a vegan

*fixes hair*
*checks breath*
*adjusts boobs*
'Ok, be cool. Dont let him know you're a woodpecker'
*goes to door*
KnockKnockKnockKnockKnockKn

According to this advent calendar I'm eating, Christmas was 5 minutes ago.

I'm going to build a wall around my emotions and all of you will pay for it.

Ways to tell if you're a parent

1. Turn off bathroom light
2. Turn off pantry light
3. Turn off bedroom light
4. Repeat everyday for 18 yrs

Mommy, should I be afraid of the people in scary costumes?

No baby, there's regular people who r way scarier than them everywhere. G'night.

GENIE: I'll grant you one wish

ME: I want all my window blinds on automatic timers.

GENIE: not world peace or...

ME: MAKE IT HAPPEN CLOWN

When parents say to kids 'go to ur room & think about what you've done' it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult

WAITER: Room for dessert?

[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]

ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.

Normal people: I left my sunglasses in the car.

Jeep Owners: I Jeeped my Jeepgoggles in the Jeep™

My husband thinks I've been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

Angel: Whatcha making?

God: Dolphins. They'll work together & flourish as a species

A: Nice, maybe humans will be next

God:*stares sadly*