PRESIDENT KENNEDY (nervously): er, uhh, what the hell is a book depository?

ME: don’t worry about it

one thing about me is i will absolutely buy myself a little treat after overcoming the most minor inconvenience

Your honor, my client is like super duper sorry

{me as a lawyer responding to opposing counsel) okay wooooowwwwwww

You don’t have to like and retweet this, but why not?

That time I sent a joke to Reader's Digest and they cancelled my subscription.

I told him we have stairs and he said he likes stairs

-my kid, really selling this playdate to his friend

Termite: *chokes on the splinters*