People with business cards can't wait to give you their business card

OH NO!!!!!

You burn enough bridges, eventually you find yourself on an island.

Do gnats have big dick energy? cause they fly around like they got nothing to lose

Be weird, not mean.

Wrong is a gut feeling, not a parental ethic

22 yrs old: falls down stairs on way to work. gets up and is fine.

42 yrs old: sleeps on the wrong pillow, neck hurts for 3 weeks.

Monday

Have you considered running away from your problems?

*me as a therapist

this is how I’d feel at Coachella

*wakes up to it snowing*

Me: I see Mother Nature has been drinking again.

riding a loaded waffle iron like a mechanical bull

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

Easily distracted by meatballs

A house should cost no more than 4 cars, and a car should cost 1000 sandwiches

Derelict would make a beautiful name for a baby boy.

For you

“Anybody know where I can get some Ooze and a giant rat sensei?”