I remember when Columbia invited me to give a talk on authoritarianism and dissent in the former Soviet Union and I described…the type of things Columbia is doing to its student protesters now

Hello CO ! It’s great to be back ! I’ll be making a stop in Boulder and mowing for a special cause later today .

Everyone in Colorado is just laughing out loud at this.

I quite like this new one!
Longs Peak- Late Winter
Colorado
12x9” oil on board
Available!

There are too many idiots running countries on this planet.

Hey everyone! thanks for reaching out! my grandfather is fine, he just accidentally wedged himself between the toilet and the wall—firefighters are covering him in oil right now trying to get him out of there

On the third Tuesday of every month, all of the Barbaras get together at their local Panera to discuss all Barbara-related matters.

{Trying to eat steak}
'Honey, can you get me an Amazon box opener?'

Him: 'You mean a knife??'

{Like Ariel looking at a dinglehopper} 'Knife?'

You put up with a lot of crap when you believe it’s the only kind of love you’re going to get.

Hey boy are you Pluto because you have been acting like a planet this whole time but really you're just another rock in the Kuiper belt

C̶h̶i̶k̶i̶n̶
C̶h̶i̶k̶k̶o̶n̶
C̶h̶e̶e̶c̶k̶a̶n̶

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

audrey turns irate
loretta goes into a snit
evelyn becomes vexed
harriet has a fit of pique
dorothy gets slightly miffed

Me: I make a mean casserole.

Casserole: You make ‘meh’ jokes on the internet.

Me: 😢

H: How's your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

This is your captain speaking. We'll be on the ground shortly. I mean, one way or another, amirite? HAHAHA flight crew prepare for landing

It’s not a tweet, it’s a post. Like some kinda paper you nail to a tree.

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

NO my kids aren't having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We're having leftover pizza.

What kind of career path are you seeking?

Me: A sociopath.