I need a taxi light on my head to indicate when I’m open to conversation.

Next time you doubt your parenting, remember that even Mary Poppins needed a leash to keep the children in line

I get scared when someone else walks into the room a lot for someone who lives with other people

Wanted to see my 10yo so I reset the internet router to bring her out of her lair.

The only Super Bowl I’m familiar with is the haircut my mom used to give me

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

Being an adult and able to do whatever I want is too much responsibility for me

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

So glad I helped 3 kids make 75 valentines for everyone’s trash cans.

[Working from home today and helping get my kids ready for school]

6yo: Mommy, daddy, are you each other’s Valentine?

Me: Yes, of course.

My SAHM wife: I’ll get back to you by close of business day.

My kid hasn’t finished cleaning her room but she did spend three hours constructing elaborately personalized Valentine’s for her five closest friends.

I am one or two more mowing seasons away from astroturfing the entire yard.

My kindergartener on the first name of 20 names he has to write on these Valentines: “How do you make a J?”

Is there anything more romantic than your partner “sneaking out for a few minutes” in the middle of Valentine’s Day and then *shockingly* surprising you with a gift when they return?

Never saw it coming.

My wife said she was going to run some errands and asked if I needed anything so I told her to pick up a Valentine’s Day card for herself from me. I just love our open communication!

Talked to my Aussie friends. Chiefs win by 10.

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week huffpost.com/entry/funniest…

Kids are wild because they openly mock our generation while brazenly stealing every single trend from our youth

I asked my 14yo what an expression she used meant, and she started to tell me but then stopped and exasperatedly said “Ugh, this is like explaining the world to a Pilgrim”