I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.

I'll let you know.

A friend asked me if I had seen the film 'Tractor.”

'No,” I replied, 'but I've seen the trailer.'

How did Bilbo survive the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy?

Because old Hobbits die hard...

People think grass don't be wet in the morning.

But it dew.

What do you call a girl who lives in the beach.

Sandra.

My wife told our son not to play with electricity.

Now he’s grounded.

I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said: 'Earth.'

That meant the world to me.

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday.

That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.

After spending an hour unclogging the bathtub and sink….

I’m feeling pretty drained.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: 'Duck, eggs!'

I thought: 'That's an unnecessary comma - then it hit me.'

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.

So l bought her a candle.

Two giant windmills are out on a hilltop.
One turns to the other and asks, 'What kind of music do you like? '

The other one says, 'I'm a really big metal fan.'

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes.

Scientists are studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds.

They've left no tern unstoned.

What has five toes and isn't your foot?

My foot.

The rule “I before E except after C…”

Has been disproven by science.

I was told I could look at the eclipse through a colander.

I tried it but it strained my eyes! 😎