Paying my bills feels a lot like a pregnancy scare. Exactly how late can they be before I have to worry?!

Customer, who specifically requested to sit outside: Hey man. There is like a bug in my glass.

Me: I'm so sorry about that, I didn't realize we were seating big pussies this evening

The urinals at Planet Fitness always look like the last person to use it reached down and ripped out a handful of their pubes like they were unmasking a Scooby Doo villain and then gently laid them on top of it.

People: I take edibles for my anxiety.

Me: Are there two kinds of anxiety?!?

Million dollar idea: The weekend, but it's actually relaxing

Arbor Mist is just Mad Dog 20/20 for stay at home moms

Truly, it was only a matter of time.

Farted on the chiropractor today.

Selling Girl Scout cookies is a weird way to find out how popular your parents are

Having an outstanding balance at the library is so embarrassing because it's always some stupid shit like 'It looks like you checked out the Batman Forever soundtrack on cassette in 1998 and never brought it back. You owe us three million dollars'

I'm too depressed to exercise so I bought myself a weighted blanket

Not much in this world scares me and that's because I rode Alien Encounter at Disney World when I was 8 years old and have been dead inside ever since

A secret Santa gift exchange is the most fun way to realize you know nothing about someone in your life as a person

Every time it is very quiet, no matter the setting, I always have the same intrusive thought 'It would be funny if I screamed really loud and scared everybody right now.'

The USA is so ghetto. How we getting our pandas repossessed

What do I have to offer in a relationship?

I have completely cut fast food out of my diet.

The secret?

My driver's side window motor went out and I refuse to be one of the open your door to order people.

My thoughts on pro-nouns?

Why wouldn't you be all for people, places and things?

Flying on Spirit is crazy. They just asked if anyone wanted to fly the plane

The Orlando International airport does not have enough bar options. Please address this.

I wonder if racist Transformers are ever like 'I'm not racist, I'm 1/8 Jeep Grand Cherokee!'