*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Seems like a good time to retweet this in light of the recent discussions about preferential “VIP” care in hospitals. This is the only VIP who warrants special attention…

“Pediatric ER Patients Say the Darnedest Things”

me: oh what’s the matter?

6: [crying] I’m scared to be here

me: it’s ok. is this your first time at a hospital?

6: [sniffling] no

me: when else were you here?

6: my birth

me: [snorts]

6: and my mommy said it was awful!

I never thought I would change my name when I got married— I was the first (medical) Dr. Newton in my family and I’m very proud of that. But, when presented with the opportunity to say “Hi, I’m Dr. Sleeper and I’ll be your anesthesiologist,” I just couldn’t pass it up!

Sorry for my delayed email response but I've been busy the past week scrolling over it countless times in my inbox trying to gather enough energy to reply.

Honestly, 99% of being a good doctor is simply listening to your patient, never missing a diagnosis, ensuring high quality outcomes despite having only a few minutes for each visit, charting perfectly to maximize billing, fighting insurance companies to cover basic care, never cr

I've got a joke about the flu vaccine.

Unfortunately not enough people will get it.

[pediatric ER]

me: (building rapport) so do you have any hobbies?

8: I play chess

me: nice!

8: yeah

me: ok well let's sta-

8: do you know what they call a group of guys from Prague who play chess?

me: oh, I don't think so

8: the Czech mates

me: [spits out juice box]

doctor: how are you today

patient: not good. u?

doctor: same

'pediatric patients say the darnedest things'

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

GUY DESIGNING A HOSPITAL: ok so obviously it should be as hard as possible for visitors to find parking

“A Pediatric Patient Effortlessly Creates a Bumper Sticker Slogan”

[ER, yesterday]

me: ok, time to start putting in your stitches

6: but I’m scared!

6's mom: oh honey, don’t be scar-

6: [snaps] YOU DON’T GET TO TELL ME HOW I FEEL

“Pediatric Patients Say the Darnedest Things”

me: [removes piece of glitter from under a girl’s eyelid]

8: [blinks] it’s gone! you’re the best doctor in the world!

me: oh I don’t think that’s true

8: [gently places hand on mine] but if you don’t believe in yourself who will?

Today as I finished putting stitches in a little girl's forehead, I told her how well she did holding still.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, 'I may look good on the outside, but on the inside I'm a mess.'

Anyways, I'm making bumper stickers if anyone wants one.

'Pediatric Patients Say the Darnedest Things'

me: looks like you just have a cold

7: will you give me medicine?

me: no, your body will get rid of it!

7: oh

me: anything else?

7: how much did doctor school cost?

me: um, why?

7: I want to know how much money you wasted

'Pediatric Patients Say the Darnedest Things'

6: I hate getting sick

doc: me too!

6: how can I stay healthy?

doc: well, you can prevent lots of infections with just hand washing alone

6: [sad] oh

doc: what's wrong?

6: I like washing my hands with other people

[lecture hall, 1st day of med school]

professor: always stay humble as a physician

me: [taking notes]

prof: remember, half of you will finish med school in the bottom half of the class

me: [raises hand] what about the other half?

prof:

me:

prof: don't you worry about them

My great-grandmother only had a 3rd grade education.

My grandmother died at the age of 39 after having a massive heart attack.

My mom, as a single mother, got her Masters & PhD in my lifetime.

& today, I am a Stanford Pediatric resident.

I am my ancestors wildest dreams🥺

'pediatric patient say the darnedest things'

me: good news, your x-ray is normal!

6:

me: do you have any questions?

6: yes. do you know why vincent van gogh was late driving to his first art show?

me: no, why?

6: because vincent's van go slow

'Pediatric Patients Say the Darnedest Things'

me: I have a medicine that can make you feel better

6: oh

me: do you like taking medicine?

6: do you like children who kick?