Chin up, stay hydrated and far away from anyone named Todd.

Real friends never say a word the morning after their drunk friends booty call them

Sex so good you go home and masturbate to the memory the whole next day

Every time the universe sends me a sign, I’m like ok but I think I’ll wait for a signier sign.

Fuck working today…let’s have a kegger at the beach!

Parenting boils down to being dumb enough to think that buying milk on Thursday automatically means there will still be some milk left on Friday.

maybe someday you’ll realize how fucking beautiful you are

Relationship status: table for one, dinner for two and cocktails for four

Ummm guys I think this pair of ankles is getting their own food show. Miracle Whip replied to a thread I was in about my hotdog condiment choice. So yeah. That’s how fame works right Miracle Whip? Make me a miracle!

Sloths always look like they didn’t realize that those brownies were edibles and now they want to know if you think god looks like Benadryl Cucumberch

Pog
PAWG
Sounds the same but oh so different

i was told i can’t relate to depression because i’m beautiful and have lots of followers. and i am here to gently remind you that mental health issues don’t give a fuck about race, gender, or your appearance. be kind. we all struggle and are fighting our own goddamn minds.

make her laugh. make her orgasm. make her grilled cheese.

it’s heartbreaking how someone’s mind will have them believing they’re worthless, damaged, or undeserving of love

if they don’t find your food baby sexy as you eat your third bowl of chips and salsa, they nacho person

that person you’d be hugging right now if distance didn’t exist

How have they never written Mac & Cheese for the Soul?

Some things don’t need to be questioned some people actually have good intentions

When she’s crying, she doesn’t need your criticisms she needs your caring.