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Bio Everything in moderation, except for snacks. onlyfans.com/feelingeuphoric Location she/her Tweets 49,8K Followers 35,9K Following 836 Account created 09-07-2011 07:31:32 ID 332118291
iPhone : james ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
iPhone : THERAPIST: how would you like to begin todayME: *laying seductively on chaise lounge* paint me like one of your french girlsTHERAPIST: … fine, but this is the last time
iPhone : [arriving at my therapist’s office with new bangs]THERAPIST: *extremely long sigh* oh no.
iPhone : [teaching my boyfriend cards]ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulseHIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
iPhone : etsy has a sex toys section but all the dildos say “live laugh love” on the side
iPhone : [coffee shop]VAMPIRE: I’ll have a cup of joe
iPhone : *gazing up at stars*Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
iPhone : you might think that cats would make good scientists because they are so curious.you’re wrong. cats have no respect for the scientific method and consistent independent variables
iPhone : SON: sharks are scary, daddyDAD: no need to be scared, a lot of other things are more likely to kill you than sharks!SON: like what?[a long scrape is heard as vending machine slowly slides into the room]
iPhone : I know it's called a wake but I really hope they stay dead
iPhone : Me: Are you coming to my bedding?Her: bedding?Me: holy mattressmonyHer:Me: bedlockHer:Me: I'm never leaving my bed
iPhone : weighing myself when I know I’ve gained weight:•disheartening•bad for my mental healthtaking that weight and dividing it by the average weight of a duck:•more ducks than before
iPhone : Ꮍᴀᴇʟ I am going to do it. For you, for science, for the good of this country. I’ll probably have to retweet some good jokes of my own and others to hide my timeline’s shame though.
iPhone : I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
iPhone : Pork Gooch 🐖 | goochy gang He’s out of my league! He is smart and stuff.
iPhone : body issues who?
iPhone : what’s your worst habit when tipsy? mine is telling everybody that I’m tipsy
iPhone : the paisan next door 😭😭😭😭 this is the best day
iPhone : the paisan next door GM SMOKES!!!!
iPhone : are you or are you not still jenny from the block
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