who you are when you talk to your pet is the real you

I'm sorry I never text first. It's basically because I don't actually want to talk to you at all.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

From the bottom of my heart, get fucked.

Every day that I don’t befriend a crow is a day I fumbled.

If I make a cake out of nothing… is it an immaculate confection?

I suppose the best thing about losing our democracy will be the resulting comedy gold. That and all earnest folk singers being rounded up

Gordon Ramsay: this tastes like dogshit Rebecca

Fly: *taking a second bite* and the presentation is lovely

I share my vulnerabilities so you feel safe to share yours

[ At the gym ]

Gym bro: can you spot me?

Me (pointing at him): there you are!

and then one day adult beverages means metamucil and pepto bismol

If you told me ten years ago, the republican nominee for President has a mugshot for a profile picture on his Twitter account. I wouldn't have believed you.

I am Sears years old

It’s almost as if these people don’t think we’re smart enough to notice that we no longer can afford to eat.

Pretzels are just bread sticks doing yoga..
No you shut up!

Still think the idea of a Trojan horse is stupid but I guess if the balloon animal guy wants to use condoms, whatever.

she’s a broken little melody. me, a mix of misfit fumbled words. together, i have never heard a song quite so beautiful. she and i, we dance along in the shadows all alone, never looking back toward the echoes of bells that can’t be unrung. we just weave their hum into our music.

Fuck them if they don’t like you because i do

~Me flirting.

I'm thinking of putting my will to live in a bag of rice overnight.