Gonna call my 94 year old grandmother and convince her she broke Facebook

I bet if we keep Facebook and Instagram down we could get the US vaccination rate to 90%

My hood is being overrun with cafés and marijuana dispensaries. It’s like a caffeine & THC rollercoaster park.

[first day as a race car driver]
*calmly looks over shoulder and uses turn signal to change lanes*

Thoughts and prayers for my daughter whose life is over because they didn’t have the band color for her braces that she wanted, which no one will see because of her mask.

There needs to be a new word for “vegetarian - but eats chicken nuggets” because my kids are that.

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m the OD.

Original Dumpsta

jurassic park before added cgi

Got kicked out of the gym for calling myself a registered flex offender

Does this aquarium make my butt look big?

*starts playing on phone during a show

*misses important scene

*rewinds way too far by mistake

*gets back on phone while waiting for the scene

*misses the scene again

new husband: thinks his opinion matters, shares it

experienced husband: knows his opinion doesn't matter, keeps it to himself

veteran husband: knows his opinion doesn't matter, but shares it anyway because it makes her happy to ignore it

I dunno what’s stronger, the feelings from anxiety or gravity pulling down on my butt.

The main reason I've never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

👻GHOST STORY CALL👻

One month to Halloween so crack out them writing appendages & have a go a writing a short ghost or horror story. 4000 words max, link it to this tweet somehow, RTs+ for legit entries. Ends Halloween 2021!
Here’s mine:

satellitefish.wordpress.com/2021/09/29/oct…

The line at Starbucks is longer than the line at security and I think that's a metaphor for something, but I'm still in line waiting for coffee so not awake enough to figure it out.

I'll play parlor games in the drawing room IDGAF

If you catch me on the right day, I can make any room a panic room

oh damn I am totally the Kramer neighbor