Did a crab write this

Good for Mike Johnson. Nothing like being pleasantly surprised by someone. 🇺🇦

my Republican father in 1989: I pray my son votes for the party that opposes Russian imperialism

*monkey’s paw curls*

Hi all
#germanshepherd #gsd

Ok first of all, fuck the government because if a manatee hugs me, I am hugging back

It's actually fascinating from a neurological and evolutionary perspective that humanity evolved to prioritize the aquistion of language skills over all other forms of intelligence.

My dad didn’t want to say ‘hooker’ in front of my son so he said ‘ladies of the night.’

Son: What does a lady of the night do?
My dad: Ummm, like you play games with them.
Son: Cool! Like you pay them to play Monopoly or karate with you?
Me: *leaves the room*

I’m ready to run through a brick wall now

Never before in my life have I seen an entire society completely reject a rebrand like this lol

the nhl playoffs start today

wishing the absolute best of luck to my team and my team only

everyone else can get fucked

TypeScript is good and all but nothing beats plain JavaScript in how quickly and efficiently you can ship bugs.

original founder of the tortured poets department

This is what happens when you let unqualified African Americans run your company

I am never deleting this app

It's worth watching the whole thing

My brain: (warm and cozy in bed) long day, can’t wait to drift off to sleep.

My bladder: you’re not going to believe this

They spent four years lecturing us about micro-aggressions.

Yet you’re allowed to openly chant “we will do 10/7 all over again” and that’s considered ok.

Of all the possible causes that might lead a man to burn himself alive in front of the Trump trial, I must admit that even a conspiracy connoisseur such as myself could not have predicted that he did it because he thought Marge vs. The Monorail predicted a fascist uni-party coup

Sooo umm anyone in San Diego wanna see Z-trip at the Belly Up tonight? The last time I saw him there, it was an absolute blast. We are behind on our packing for our trip, so I need to do the responsible thing and beg off. So two free tix if anyone wants ‘em.

I love Dominos. I love pizza. Sometimes I'm in pizza moods. Sometimes I'm in Dominos moods. They're fundamentally different foods.