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So if you can help to keep a fat author fed for up to 12 hours, I can promise you some laughs.

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65. And finally, the Tories revealed marvellous new plans to brand anybody “undermining” the UK as an “extremist”. So if this is my last tweet, it's because I'm paying a long, involuntary visit to a black-ops site in Mogadishu.

63. In the face of catastrophic and irreversible climate disaster, Sunak announced new North Sea oil and gas licenses to “bring bills down”

64. Energy secretary Clare Coutinho admitted they “won’t bring bills down”

61. The independent Institute for Government described Tory policies as a “doom loop” that had left vital services “crumbling”

62. And the Tory solution to the sewage pollution crises was revealed to be: changing the definition of “pollution”

59. This culminated in her claim that No 10 has a “shadowy fixer” employed to kill people’s pet rabbits

60. Meanwhile, away from this turd-bestrewn right-wing playpen, the UN described the UK as “in violation of international law” over our levels of poverty

58. She went on to assert Boris Johnson was taken down by “shadowy forces” which she has imaginatively nicknamed “Moneypenny”, “Skyfall” and “M”, but it’s possible she just fell asleep face down on her keyboard during a James-Bond-and-Lambrini marathon.

57. And now a guest appearance by former Tory MP and exuberantly gormless flapdoodle Nadine Dorries, who claimed social media firms have a “big dial” that they turn to make everybody more left wing

55. Anyway: back to the smorgasbord of odium and despair that’s still, incredibly, running this country

56. Kemi Badenoch announced a “£1.4 trillion trade deal” with Florida, which isn’t a trade deal, and would only be worth £1.4 trillion if Florida gave us their entire GDP

s. And then there’s the spreadsheet of 36 sexually untrustworthy Tory MPs that is handed to new staff, as a sort of field guide to the degenerates and dangerous monsters they’ll be working for

r. Boris Johnson: accused of groping 2 women during a single lunch

t. Andrew Rosindell: as part of a “gentleman’s agreement”, has not attended parliament for a year while facing indecent assault investigation

u. He must have a different definition of “gentleman” than I do

o. Unnamed Tory MP: woke up drunk in a brothel, didn’t know how he got there, and had lost his clothes

p. Unnamed Tory MP: told his secretary to “come and feel the length of my cock”

q. Unnamed Tory MP: groped a female journalist and said “God, I love those tits”

m. Andrew Griffiths: found to have repeatedly raped and abused his wife, and sent over 2000 sexually explicit messages to other women

n. David Warburton: promised “not to remove my clothes again”, if the woman he had just groped would let him back inside for more cocaine

k. Brooks Newmark: sent sexually explicit messages to an undercover reporter investigating his habit of sending sexually explicit messages to people

l. Damian Green: resigned after being accused of groping a Tory activist half his age

i. Stephen Crabb: texted a 19-year-old he’d just interviewed for a job, and asked her to meet him for sex

j. Mark Garnier: referred to his secretary as “sugar tits” and made her buy sex toys for him

f. Neil Parish: watching porn in parliament

g. Julian Knight: still under investigation for sexual assault

h. Mark Menzies: paid a male escort for sex, showed him round parliament, and then asked him to procure crystal meth

a. Imran Ahmad Khan: sexual assault

b. Charlie Elphicke: sexual assault

c. Michael Fallon: resigned after groping incident

d. Rob Roberts: sexually harassed a junior member of staff

e. Chris Pincher: accused of groping multiple times

52. Crispin Blunt was arrested for rape and drug offences

53. Peter Bone was kicked out of the party for waving his tallywacker at a member of staff

54. Gillian Keegan denied Tories have a “cultural issue” with sexual misconduct. So here's a list to help Gillian:

50. The Tory chair of the Environment Select Committee has been asked to resign, after it was found he was a member of a group opposed to solar power, but in favour of bee-killing, trophy hunting, culling badgers, and fox hunting

51. Bob Stewart was found guilty of racial abuse

48. But Dowden couldn’t deny the Tory party had quietly paid for the alleged victim to get treatment

49. Michelle Mone finally admitted involvement in a £200m rip-off PPE company, after denying it for 3 years, when she wasn’t too busy buying private jets with her profits

47. Tangoed Morph stunt double (and, yep, former Tory chair) Oliver Dowden said there was no cover-up of the rape allegations, even though the party had known about it for ages, but hasn’t taken action against the alleged culprit