How am I, an almost 45 year old woman, driving my older friend home from a grocery store bar on a Thursday? How is this my life now? But still, I'm glad I didn't let her drive.

it’s pretty funny that the game of thrones actor who’s had by far the most success after that show is pedro pascal, who is in GOT for about 5 minutes before dying hilariously

It's been 262 days since this app has been rebranded and I'm still calling it Twitter.

Dropping a Monday tweet on a Thursday because thug life

Husband trying to describe a poutine place: it was a putain chain

Me: ...you went to a brothel?

In the quiet moments, the thought always returns - is there anything else that poutine topping would be good on?

I feel like my henchman era has passed.

There is going to be a layer of microplastics marking our geological period, like Iridium at the K-T boundary. Whoever replaces us in 65 million years will be confused.

Who prefers the Pope's nose piece of chicken? I used to get the 10-piece dark fried chicken from Winn-Dixie because they included them (it's the chicken piece with the tail), but it's only been drums and thighs last several times. What's your favorite second-rate thing?

I’ve gotten applause for getting up on a chair and flashing my tits at a party but I feel like it was partly pity claps because I fell off the chair the first two times I tried

The PGA should let us normal golfers drive the pros around the course. It's the 17th hole and I'm 9 beers deep. Catching a little air through the fairway bunker while Tiger Woods is in the passenger seat having flash backs.

Me: Would you like to have lunch?

Them: A long lunch?

Me: Would you like to have lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllunch?

Them:

Lunch is just breakfast for people with poor time management.

Lunch is one of the most important 7 meals of the day.

In the top 7 anyway.

scientists Fleischmann & Pons had a heated discussion about what to eat for lunch. they ended up with cold fusion. folks,,

If you don’t want me eating a few filet o’fish sandwiches from my cargo shorts pockets don’t schedule the funeral during lunch time.

Coworker: You wanna go to lunch?
Me: Yeah
Coworker: Okay, we’re leaving in 5 minutes
Me: Oh. Go to lunch with you guys. No

Rejected sushi roll ideas:

*Flipper’s Ghost

*Frying Nemo

*Aquaman's Lament

*The Greasy Eel

*Wasabi Face Melter Regret with Torment Sauce

*Mermaid Taint

*Chicken Sashimi

*Whispering Roll That Knows How You Will Die

*Octopi Wall Street

*Just a Handful Of Tempura Crumbs

People on diet aren't mad at you. They're mad at their lunch