Me: Are Medusa’s pubes snakes too?
Accountant: I meant questions about your tax return.

When did grocery shopping become something fun to do on a weekend, what have I become

“I'm worth it' I whisper as I take a multivitamin for the first time in weeks

In my 20s I used to have a mustang and I never washed it so I called it the disgustang.

Parenting experts never warn you that one day you'll offer to let your son borrow one of your ties to match the suit he's wearing for prom and he'll respond by asking you if you have anything that's not from the 1900s

I walked into Macys and saw a woman walking a doodle with a service dog harness. I'm pretty sure it was only trained to find ON SALE banners

Honesty is the best policy and the worst Billy Joel song.

When you're hungry and hear an ad for Nucala and think 'Good to know Nutella will help me breathe better'.

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

[my funeral]
And now for the music, we would all like you to stand as O-Town performs their former hit single ‘Liquid Dreams.’
*my mom starts sobbing*

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

My girls were being complete wild raccoons and some dude said enjoy every moment it goes by fast so I told them to attack.

If your AC is set to 78° don’t you dare invite me over. The damn disrespect.

Guy, pitching Voltron: ok, so you know how we want to save our universe? So hear me out….we need to built five giant robot cat spaceships

Galactic council: lol wtf

Guy: wait there’s more

them: let’s talk about each other’s pet peeves to better our relationship

me: i don’t care what bothers you

spring is great until you wake up sneezing and start sweating the second you step outside after noon

Hey I'm bringing velour track suits back everyone

Day 10,659 of my husband acting shocked and surprised when I remind him he needs to pick up after himself

Me: if you've been exposed to a dad joke, you may be entitled to com-pun-sation.

My kids: 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Given the state of things *motions wildly at everything,* we are definitely not eating nearly enough potatoes