So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the fuck they want.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
- I wouldn't let the dog drive him to daycare
- the bath was 'too wet'
- he wanted syrup for breakfast...just syrup
- his sister 'keeps looking at him'
- he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

Any of y’all in tech support? My wife’s been “shutting down” her work computer for 45 minutes now.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
- wants all of her fingers to be the same length
- I wouldn't let her eat a sponge
- her feet were sandy (we were at the beach)
- she doesn't want to be an only child (her brother 'does not count')

How about your kid?

You're not really married until one of you shares your idea for an invention and the other one shoots it down in cold blood.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

My kindergartener experienced her first smart toilet on our vacation. Her reaction? “If it was really smart it would get a new job. I’d much rather be a sink.”

C̶h̶i̶k̶i̶n̶
C̶h̶i̶k̶k̶o̶n̶
C̶h̶e̶e̶c̶k̶a̶n̶

After several days of iterations, my second grader finally unveiled his new signature. It is his first name printed in all caps, followed by an exclamation point.

One of the greatest Hollywood mysteries remains unsolved

My wife doesn’t always buy healthier versions of my kids’ favorite snacks to see if they’ll like them, but when she does it’s a 20lb bag from Costco.

I rewatched The Blair Witch Project last night. I didn't particularly enjoy it the first time, but we're taking the kids camping for the first time this weekend and I'm hoping to make it memorable.

Dear 6u little league coaches,

You can just cancel practice when it rains, you don’t need to rent an indoor batting cage and make everyone drive there.

Sincerely,
All parents.

Our 6YO: (walks into the room and smiles)

My Husband: (smiles back)

Our 6YO: I wasn’t smiling at you, I was thinking about something else

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn't real, and it's been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

it’s all fun and games til the good knee gives out

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

Tween: ugh, you and dad are the cringiest

Me: when you were potty training you had me line up your stuffed animals to watch you poop

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!