Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal )

Henpecked Hal

Bio Beethoven, Da Vinci, Andre the Giant, Jesus...all bachelors. Best of the worst: twitter.com/i/moments/1166…
Location Hell on Earth
Tweets 30,0K
Followers 77,0K
Following 2,0K
Account created 25-08-2015 01:06:17
ID 3332077285

iPhone : I wasn't exactly excited to go "make memories" at the pumpkin farm, but I must admit that watching this dude try to manuever a wheelbarrow with one hand so he doesn't have to put his latte down is something I won't soon forget.

iPhone : Instead of a baby gate, I just keep blocking the stairs off with bigger and bigger pieces of furniture. First it was a nightstand; now it's a bench. If anyone is going to get hurt on the stairs, it's going to be me.

Twitter Web App : My seven year old nephew just told me that Covid-19 isn't as deadly as the "Bluebonnet Plague." I'm not familiar with that pandemic, but it sounds lovely.

Twitter Web App : You know that old saying, “everything that can go wrong, will go wrong?” It has its origins in home remodeling.

Twitter Web App : After 40 years I still feel like I’m about to do something athletic when I put on sneakers, even though I’m well aware I’m driving my station wagon to the grocery store because there’s a sale on ground pork

Twitter Web App : I wonder if anyone ever tossed a ship in a bottle into the ocean hoping that someone stranded on a desert island would find it and just absolutely lose their shit

Twitter Web App : “This is where the magic happens”

- cliché
- kinda pervy
- false as you are not a wizard

“Welcome to the jungle”

- metal af
- implies excellent musical taste
- accurate as you are 40 and live alone amongst myriad houseplants

Twitter Web App : My husband always wants me to do things his way.

Fold the towels in thirds

Wash whites separately

Don’t hit the mailbox when backing out of the driveway

Twitter Web App : Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

Twitter Web App : It’s cute how my kids think I’m going to share their Halloween candy with them.

Twitter Web App : I wasn’t shocked the first time my kid asked if I wanted to see his poop before he flushed. The shock came when I answered with serious, emphatic interest: “yes”