finally gonna meet the orange mf

who does this remind me of

how do artists avoid splattering paint all over the frame

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

optometrist: 1? or 2?

me: (pants full of poop and pee) both

just found out wordle has its own newspaper???

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it's Tuesday. My car still thinks it's 1987.

who decided to “spring forward” at 2 a.m. on the weekend. we should do it at 4 p.m. on a monday

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

Man: I'd like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I'd like to buy 200 gerbils please

i'm torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

[trying to change the subject with my therapist] where's this couch from

just got a telegraph about my horse’s extended warranty

grammy is trending, did she die

[First day as a museum tour guide]

Kid: how can we tell how old a dinosaur is

Me: you must first ask yourself, “does that dinosaur have 3 butts?”

Kid: umm no

Me: then we can rule out the Triassic period

Janitor: well, that's my shift over

Febitor: ok I'll take it from here

my car’s rear camera when it rains

Honey I Refried the Beans

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means...
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet