A sign in Colchester city centre.

If you opened a tin of evaporated milk and found it empty, would you be able to demand your money back?

I asked the doctor whether it's true that excessive masturbation's bad for your eyesight. He said, 'You're in the butcher's, mate.”

Hipster colleague’s wearing a tweed three-piece suit. I’ve turned the heating up. A lot.

Apparently, as long as you drive a 4x4, put your hazards on and are dropping your children off at school, you can park anywhere! Who knew?

It’s strange that Mark Menzies ‘borrowed’ £5000 to get away from “bad people” when all he had to do was resign.

I was rather surprised to see 'The Gluten Free Society' website uses cookies.

I’m sitting in a London pub wearing running gear and a tinfoil cape while strangers buy me beer. Works every year. 😉🍻

Whatever you do never try yo-yo dieting. They're a bastard to chew and you'd never believe me if I told you what happens when you shit.

I must be getting old, I’m not getting so many “PUSSY IN BIO” replies. 😔

“Didn’t I give you your Duke of Edinburgh award last week, lad?”

Fool people into thinking you've passed your Advanced Driving Test by simply using indicators at roundabouts.

𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗽𝘀

I’m a great believer in treating others the way I’d like to be treated. For instance, I only speak to people when it’s absolutely necessary.

My ex-wife often gave me ‘the silent treatment’. I liked those bits best.

Today is the tenth anniversary of the day I put my favourite T-shirt in a separate drawer and said to myself I’ll wear it again when I’ve lost some weight.

Twitter is great for those who don’t give a fuck about their mental health.

Twitter: for the joy of finding out there are people weirder than you.

This is your regular reminder that Rishi Sunak is a cunt.

Thank you for reading.

Choosing soup: “Yeah, I’m hungry but fuck it, I’ll have a drink instead.”

I was going to give a lecture about Catholic birth control methods today, but I had to pull out at the last minute.