I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik's Hammers. They were for bitch-ass Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

If I'm at a fancy restaurant and don't know which fork to use, I'll eat with my hands so I don't embarrass myself.

That time I sent a joke to Reader's Digest and they cancelled my subscription.

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

My dad says I should let my son quit basketball if he really hates it. Where was that guy 25 years ago when I hated basketball?

My 4yo asked if I'd lay down on the floor of her room and pretend to be dead. It was the best offer I've had all day.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

In a new study, researchers confirm that life on Earth begins with a cup of coffee.

You know what sound a one-eyed horse makes while walking?

Sigh, clops.

If I were a carpenter and you were my lady
You'd get tired of the hammering, I'd wake up the baby

Did not expect to spend my sexual prime shaving pilly sweaters

This week's eclipse created many 80s era album covers.

When I was a kid, in the comic books, there was an ad for plans to build a personal hovercraft from a lawnmower motor because most kids have a spare lawnmower.

I say ‘not on my watch’ a lot for somebody who’s rarely watching.

I use an egg timer to compose myself before I say something stupid. And sometimes I….

My eternal thanks to Dr. Arroyo for his help during my episode of Hot Ones. He’s not the best, but you can pay him with lottery tickets.

Mary In my day, we wrote our answers as cuneiforms on a clay slate, with a pointy #2 rock. When time ran out, the proctor shouted 'Rocks down!!'

One day I will rule this unincorporated village with an iron fist!

Fifteen minutes into the conversation it became increasingly clear that none of us really knew what a comptroller was.

My teen is taking the SAT today. As we were walking out the door, I asked her if she needed a special pencil. She looked at me and said We take it on computers. The air hung quiet between us. Oh I said. Huh I said. It’s the first year she added If it makes you feel any better.