every pantry has the business shelf (brown sugar, vitamins, a random bottle of vinegar) and the party shelf (chips, cookies, candy)

pasta is so good it literally blows my mind. every time i eat it im like no fucking way

anyone else been insider trading lately?

sign of a good facetime

i tell my friends that you were born a test tube baby just so you have a little edge

ate all the toppings off my açaí bowl. now what

she’s mad at me

pleading insanity for a parking ticket

i was getting my blood drawn today and i asked the nurse if she could distract me and she said she didn’t have anything to say so i asked what her zodiac sign was and she said cancer and then we sat in silence

therapy should have open houses like elementary school so my therapist can meet everyone i talk about

this is the year i start fucking living

should i airdrop this to the pilot on my flight

traveling as a stuffed animal parent when ur girl is in the overhead compartment

*my joke bombing* wait u guys are being so shy right now

vienna waits? for me???

did i sleep thru the eclipse what’s going on