I’m went to Alabama recently .... Know what's a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck out, that's what.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a cowboy poet.

Every day has been a fucking slice of heaven. 🙄 #MyXAnniversary

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

An eclipse, but it’s just my pizza box temporarily blocking the refrigerator light.

what’s your favorite addiction that’s ruining your life

Might fuck around and start tweeting again

Walks into confessional.
Slides phone through slot.

if you hate raking the bunker, stay out of the bunker, fuck face

You played a good game, Niners.

Now send all your fans back to the penitentiary. There is a curfew.

I had to have a tooth pulled today.

Might as well learn to cook meth and move to Florida.

A haunted house but it's mouth-breathers with allergies

I’m at the age where I only have the blood pressure to power up 1 organ at a time, so don’t ask me questions when I have an erection.

We all know height and weight should rhyme. Stop fucking around.

If they keep showing Taylor Swift during Kansas City games, I'm going back to Bud Light.

On this date in 1981:

I banged your mom on the hood of my 1964 El Camino.

Me, after 15 minutes, dripping in sweat:

Eh, who really needs a fitted sheet anyway?

I can read a whole book and not remember a single thing.

When the remote falls on the floor, the remote goes one way and the battery cover goes the other.

Why?

Me: ...and then she asked me if I wanted her to bark like a dog.

Taco Bell: Sir, please pull to the next window.