What?!

He lived fast but he forgot to die young

Go home drunk, you’re dad

The song clearly says EVERYBODY dance now, so why am I the only person dancing at this funeral?

Let’s turn this HOUSE of pain
into a HOME of pain

Netflix and chili dogs outside the Tastee Freez?

I wish I loved anything as much as I love not loving anything.

I went through a large swarm of bugs and ate so many I think I technically had Taco Bell.

I want to quit my job as a circus freak but it pays well and I have 3 mouths to feed

Me: I just saw Sean Combs in the bathroom

Her: P. Diddy?

Me: Yes. Yes he did.

Men will literally name themselves Johnny Kohl’s Cash instead of going to therapy

Woke up with 15 things on my to-do list and I’ve already postponed 10 of them, so I’m having a pretty productive day

I still think about the time I was looking at my house on google maps and there was a peeping tom looking in my window.

Dudes will spend hundreds of hours at the gym lifting weights to build muscles that are only useful for lifting weights

I think my vaccine chip may be defective. When I woke up this morning all I could see was the color blue and a splash screen asking if I wanted to report the issue to Microsoft.

30 years ago you could be married with children and support your family on a shoe salesman income

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

$1400? Back in 1995 Presidents would offer millions of peaches; peaches for free.

In Britain these guys are known as
Crisp and Dale