Just here putting the pathetic in apathetic

They say ‘do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life’ but I don’t think watching Netflix and eating nutella straight out the jar will pay very much

WIFE: I told you to call a plumber.

ME: I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess whose vacation clothes are in a tree right now

'I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps'

-my phone

I can't wait to get through a whole day of work I don't get paid enough for just to go home and do a weekend worth of work I don't get paid anything for

'Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today'
Him: 'You can't say that every month!'
{Clutches ovaries} 'GASP'

Maintenance, Scheduled Maintenance.

When my dad died, a lot of comedians came to the funeral to offer their support and ask how they could get on Conan.

Why is the steering wheel sticky if the kids don’t drive the car, and other questions I probably don’t want the answer to

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

amazing talent

Got a prescription for motherhood. Side effects include: missing chargers, loss of glassware, empty pantries, shot nerves and incredible hulk rage.

Someone stole a neighbor’s rose bush. Like actually dug it up out of their yard.

There is a great deal of pearl clutching and hand wringing on the HOA chat.

I’m just trying to stop giggling before I get blamed for it.

I called him “John” even though I know his name is actually “Jon”

Thinking about how my family passed down alcoholism instead of generational wealth

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: ...
Me: uh doesn't AA mean 'awkward accidents'?

existential crisis at the drive-thru

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.