My friend told me I will never find a girlfriend on tinder, but I just found his

She's a 10 but she pronounces it Q-pon

The sun's finally out! I can actuall-

* cow blows past window *

All glass is stained glass if you have a toddler.

I took a gamble in the dark and either made black tea or I’m drinking a cup of grandpa.

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

'Aye, the sirens,' says the lighthouse keeper, picking a bit of tobacco from his beard. 'Some nights, when the wind is just so, I swear I can hear 'em singing.' 'What do they sing?' I prod him. A faraway look in his eyes, he says in a voice barely above a whisper, 'Tubthumping.'

Ben Affleck: Can I see the zoo you bought?

Matt Damon: For the hundredth time, I didn’t buy a zoo. That was just a movie.

Ben Affleck: You’re mean.

You’re now blind.

why did Herman Melville call his book Moby Dick when Death of a Sailsman was right there?

It’s been Monday for about 65 days today.

I’m no quitter

I make sure I stick around long enough to be able to call it a regret

Is the glass half empty or is it…who the hell spit in my drink??

I didn’t get all bent out of shape over your emotional support puppy
Quit being a baby about my leech

I’m like the Energizer Bunny only with generic batteries

Me taking Rorschach test:

A hairy armpit

A hairy armpit

A hairy armpit

I’ll have that lobotomy now, thanks

Do not mess with me.

I have a black belt in chocolate.

Name one thing that is better than cheese. Come on. I'll prove you wrong

if you eat breakfast while already thinking about lunch, you’re my kind of people