John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets )

John Lyon

Bio This mind intentionally left blank.…
Tweets 115,7K
Followers 17,3K
Following 10,1K
Account created 21-11-2011 01:00:43
ID 417496695

iPhone : When have your life plans really worked out? We should just start hopping trains.

iPhone : My goal is to become the eccentric old lady that all the neighborhood kids are convinced is a witch.

iPhone : Well my mother’s second cousin’s fifth wife from his anulled Vegas marriage got a D in 9th grade biology so I’m practically an epidemiologist & you should trust my science, she wrote on the internet.

iPhone : My pro tip as career paths go is be independently wealthy and extremely good at absolutely everything and you'll be fine.

iPhone : Holy shit. You must be so proud.
Of all the things you were told you could be.. when you grew up
you chose to be a stinky arsehole

iPhone : if you've never had the pleasure of having Geoff or Greg or Chad get credit for saying the exact same thing you've been saying for fifteen minutes, you aren't a woman

iPhone : Dad: So aren't you ever going to get your own place and move out?

Me: Get my own place? In this economy?!?!

iPhone : moms are too quick to give away recipes, dads are like "I love you too much to give you my chilli recipe you may be captured one day and there are those who will do unspeakable things to get their hands on it"

iPhone : That was not a “You’re funny” Ha Ha. That was a “you’re crazy and I don’t know what else to say” Ha Ha.

iPhone : If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.