I tell younger women i was the other guy in Wham

Most kids had the dream of becoming an astronaut or a fireman .... Apparently mine was to be Otis from The Andy Griffith Show.

Just blew an ant off a table I feel like a Greek god

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

How long does it take you to unpack completely when you get home from a trip? Doesn't have to be exact, rounded to the nearest month is fine.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

This cat told me to give him all my money and I did

*Responding to all requests today with “Sure, I’ll do it but first you must correctly answer 3 riddles”*

Sorry, my ego won’t allow me to talk about my ego…

There is a direct correlation between how much I am annoying my kids and how heavily they accentuate the M’s when they say “Mom.”

Phone calls are bad enough but then you have the added anxiety of wondering if the person will hate you because you called instead of texted.

I saved you all a spot in the hand basket. Come on, it's time to go.

I can have a clean house or I can keep my kids off screens, you can’t have it both ways Karen!

Lost In Love was playing in my hair salon yesterday and this lady said she didn't like Air Supply. I miss the person I was 10 seconds before she said that.

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don't have to talk to them.

As a parent of 3 wild kids, one of the scariest things I can hear is my wife saying “I’m late this month.”

[Barely eats for a few days due to stomach bug]

Scales: You’ve still put on weight

On my way to gaslight myself into thinking everything is amazing

Never give up on your dreams . . . keep sleeping . . .