caveman: wanna go hunting with me?
wife: can I bring my sister?
caveman: no, she'd be a third wheel
wife: a what?
caveman: never mind, just something i'm working on

My 18yo son who is Autistic and was nonverbal until he was 4 wants you all to know that he started a job at a grocery store this store this week, if you need a little bright spot in your day.

Please consider this tweet a response to all of the messages I didn’t know how to answer.

I didn’t get sauce with my drive-thru chicken nuggets and I don’t know how I’m supposed to live like this.

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

just saw a girl wearing a shirt that said “thank you for not talking to me” and realized this is what is missing from my life

Me: *Screaming into the void*

The void: Scream all you like I already ate the last piece of cake.

this is what you get when you soak a german shepherd in mountain dew

It’s my birthday week and my wife offered to not put fruit in my lunch so now you know some things about our marriage.

'Have them press 1 again.'
'Good.'
'Now, 3 minutes of silence.'
'Are they still there?'
'Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.'

- Call Center Training

hugs. because maybe you need one. because no one knows how tired you are from fighting demons in your head and keeping yourself alive.

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

Whenever I have a tough decision to make, I ask myself, 'What would Jesus do?' Then I remember how things turned out for him, and I flip a coin.

Apparently 'if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly' was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

Why does it take one millisecond for my texts to reach the other side of the globe but at least 10 attempts to log on to my phone using my thumbprint?

Daughter: Mom! I'm bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we're going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can't you just admit you don't like him
Me: So naked

{inspecting marriage certificate}

Him: Whatcha looking for?
Me: Expiration date

Having a tween daughter is like enthusiastically throwing yourself into a lion’s cage over and over again, hoping this time it won’t eat you.

For the right price you're no longer a whore, you're a queen.