Americans would sell their first born for a booth and a restaurant

Do you think centipedes have a bad horror movie called 'The Centipede Human'?

Deep dish pizza: for when you want to eat a casserole with your hands

I try to see the best in everyone and as it turns out that’s my magic not theirs

I must find her.

Whitney Houston sang the line 'I believe the children are our future' in 1985 and those children are now in their 40s and refusing to be vaccinated.

I hate uncertainty..
I hate it.

Car horns sound either like Colin Firth or Samuel L Jackson saying 'excuse me', depending on how hard you press them.

A busy convenience store is anything but.

A think tank isn't a similar thing to a smart car, and this is why I find the English language confusing.

Her: Reverse cowgirl is my favourite sexual position.

Me: *not having a clue about anything other than missionary* Yeah, er, girl cow is my favourite position too.

I ❤️ internal organs.

Bought a dog whistle a month ago. Stupid animal hasn't learnt to blow it yet.

Luke Shaw's name sounds like an excitable sailor seeing land for the first time in a while.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn't need to stop and ask for directions.

My whole life's pretty much been an unforced error.

Which is the least awful offal of all?

Happy Independence Day to all overgrown American children who are still living with their parents. You're in your thirties, FFS, it's time to get your own place.

If Mr and Mrs Foolery fail to call their firstborn son Tom, he should be removed from their care.

Hear me out. Contact Lens - a niche dating app for people who love men called Len.