I'm in a group chat with a mail carrier and he shared this letter

There better be a topless bar out there called Convertibles

[double taps your face] like

Officer: how fast do you think you were going
Me: 420 in a 69
Officer: nice. You’re under arrest

Car design by Gabe, age 8 (hexagon wheels coming soon)

Is it 'All the sudden' or 'All of a sudden' anyway I got pantsed in the cafeteria

Leah Tiscione I was at an after hours club in Toronto in the mid-late ‘90s and Snow was there, at a table surrounded by several beautiful women, and all of a sudden he just yells out “BOOM BIDDY BYE BYE” and all the women he was with cheered. It was incredible.

You know you’ve always wondered so here it is:

Informer, ya' no say daddy me Snow me I go blame
A licky boom boom down
'Tective man a say, say daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky boom boom down

Diabeetus

Ok mommy just had surgery and I need a few days to recover be good for dad ok

my son:

Divorce is hard. My big fat ex is blocking me from seeing my sun today

Don’t look directly at me today either.

Kid: I wanna be an astronaut
Dad: Sky's the limit, son!
Kid: WHAT A DICK

Does this make my ass look big

I have so many dates lined up

Arrest me I’m a felon
Because I felon love with you

Would like to find a way to scream freak on a leash at karaoke without pissing my pants last night

Why is it ok to sing in the shower naked but they call the cops at karaoke

My brother just saying hi

Not sure how second hand stores stay in business since most people already have two hands