When I say you’re welcome I really mean go fuck yourself.

Little cover for your entertainment

It may take you months to pick out the most perfect and beautiful name for your baby and then after they’re born you start calling them by a nickname like Lil Lobster.

Who was playing at the first concert you attended?

If you want me to stop going somewhere forever, just put in a double drive-thru

me in an interview: I love meeting new people!

me in real life:

Not to brag but I was the first person who wore jeans with holes in them.

Dads, taking a picture of the kids: That’ll do.

Moms, taking a picture of the kids: Let’s take one all together. Everyone smile. Now silly faces. How about we all stand by the fireplace? Now one in the front yard. One with us by the tree. Everyone stand by the potted plant.

ⓘ This user does in fact have time for your bullshit.

When my grandma would think someone was ugly she’d say well she aint no oil painting and I feel like people aren’t creative like that anymore.

There is no excuse that it took me 40 years to realize I can review the Bible online.

The Counting Crows sound like my whiny aunt singing karaoke.

90s RATM rages against the machine:
-reaction: yesssss fuck the system

...

2020 RATM rages against the machine:
-reaction: *pops a vein*
*clutches pearls*
*does hail marys*
*has heart palpitations*
*cries about liberal scum to Bob over the picket fence*
*demands an exorcism*

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

Just once I’d like to get on someone’s first nerve

My understanding of new technology peaked with the Super Nintendo.

behind every hot girl there is a deep history with beanie babies.

Absolutely no one

Not a soul

Me: I wonder if life insurance pays out if the cause is death by misadventure

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you'd mention sandwiches

Hey there. If nobody told you, I’m glad you’re here.

Share a black and white photo of yourself and tell me what you’re doin today