like an mlm but I’m recruiting you to buy land with me so we can start a commune

hi dog perverts! please enjoy my new son:

Please meet Bean! She was surrendered to the SPCA twice and now she’s stuck with me forever!!

my dog died last month and milf manor has been the only thing so far that’s made me experience any feeling other than sadness. no further questions.

using my bird watching app to identify which birds are shitting on my car so I can learn how to to get my revenge

hi you guys my little best friend is 16 years old today!!!!!!!!

crackers are a dinner if you eat 12 of them

oh shit oh fuck

personal wellness tip: wake up and give yourself 2-3 small, achievable goals for the day and then just don’t do them

someone at my gym tried to hug me and my instinct was to punch their throat which means my integration back into society is going really well thx!!!

every time I run into one of my neighbors she asks me “do you like the keg?” and I say “I don’t really have an opinion about the keg” and then she tells me she’s not a huge fan of their steak and I don’t know how to break this unhealthy cycle we’ve created

it’s weird to think that the guy who sent me 15 messages using an alt account to ask me why I blocked him on every platform ended up being problematic

I hope Martha Stewart’s recently deceased cat rises from her shallow grave

look at this tiny lumberjack

does this mean I can finally slap larry the cable guy?

going to be a vessel of love to lorraine at my hoa meeting today