It is such an incorrect stereotype that men don’t ask for directions. I require directions to do anything. Last night I googled a recipe for chocolate milk.

why are people hating on coriander when celery still exists?

Waterworld, the only movie to make Global Warming cool

When people are shocked that I tell them I don’t want kids I just look them straight in the eyes and say “that is not the fate foretold unto me by the enchantress that witnessed my birth”

we're no longer saying that young women who fuck older guys have daddy issues, we're saying that older guys who fuck young women have daughter issues

my daughter reached down to pet the roomba when it bumped her foot and I just hope she thought it was the cat

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

Dan Purdy is an anagram of “Paddy Run.” Coincidence? Almost certainly, I just wanna participate

[first time doing surgery]

Me: you know, the operation game had a buzzing sound when I did something wrong

Nurse: that's what the one long beep was

Me: why do I feel so sad & also like my lower back wants to kill me all of a sudden?

My period: knock knock :)

me: ever notice how good you are at cutting things evenly in two?

him: i have

me: you sure do, buddy

The two leads in Queens Gambit have identical faces and I couldn't unsee it the entire time

When do kids firmly grasp the concept of time? When referring to last week, my four year old says, 'a yesterday that happened a long time ago.'

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

when i die, rent my body out as a spirit halloween

“More like Brewsday, right fellas?!” I yell at my assorted GI Joes as I drink my fourth unrefrigerated Coors Light of the morning

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Sorry I'm 6 hours late, I was behind someone buying lottery tickets at the gas station