Conan O’Brien delivering the most profound statement on how one should develop their own sense of comedy with snot pouring from his nose because he just poured acid into his nasal cavities is the best video clip you’ll ever see.

Sometimes I let my dog drive so I get a chance to ride with my head out the car window.

Just remembered that in the TV edit of “Caddyshack”, they changed Rodney Dangerfield’s last line from “Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!” to the much creepier “Hey, everybody, let’s all take a shower!”

Yes sometimes I had more fun than other times

DOG: WHAT IS THAT?
ME: Trash truck. It's Thursday.
DOG: I WILL FIGHT IT. LET ME LOOSE.
Me: This happens every Thursday.
DOG: I'M READY TO FIGHT.
Me: They're taking our garbage.
...
...
...
DOG: Why would you give away perfectly good garbage?

Hell yeah I'll watch a Bridget Jones 4. I'll watch a Bridget Jones 9 where two rigor mortis hands burst forth from a fresh grave with a diary and cigarette. I'm no quitter.

I'm just a girl standing in front of an eclipse screaming CHANGE ME INTO LADYHAWKE.

Scott Foley and Maia Reficco will star in La Dolce Villa -- a new romantic comedy directed by Mark Waters (Freaky Friday, Just Like Heaven).

A successful businessman travels to Italy to stop his daydreaming daughter from blowing her life savings on a crumbling villa. Italy has…

Everyone, we're going to Italy and we're falling in love. Hackett's orders.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

ME: Do you ever suddenly get sad trying to remember the smell of the house you grew up in?
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: That's one Diet Coke, no ice?

Sometimes when I don't know how to end a sentence, I say 'And... yeah.' But I added a lil hat tip, jazz hands, and that pretend to walk down a set of stairs and disappear thing, so now it's a big hit.

You can add 'cha cha cha' to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

She began that day as she began all days, sitting bolt upright in an unmoored dinghy, wearing a ballgown and clutching a set of keys she'd never seen before.

I'm in the mood to nonchalantly slice and eat an apple off the end of a dagger like a lady pirate who just won the ship in a drinking contest.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

When you didn't put on a bra to walk the dog but you wave to your neighbor anyway.

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, 'There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.'

The George Carlin AI Standup Is Worse Than You Can Imagine vice.com/en/article/5d9…

Happy Friday to nobody but the old man wandering up Ventura Blvd. like an aging modern rōnin, carrying a knobby walking stick and tote bag that read 'The Best Revenge Is Revenge.'