freaked myself out imagining elephants that can jump around like cats

A bad day on Twitter is still better than a good day on Facebook.

Know what's worse than a fly buzzing around your head all night? A tenacious 70lb dog chasing it

this is the only way the crusher machine will let them feed it

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

just unfollowed someone for being ugly dont piss me off.

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

Lavern and Shirley never looked better

Don't worry, if I believe you are stupid I'll let you know

Everybody you meet is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Attack them. Now they’re fighting two battles

When the blood sugar drops

You can’t tweet about tossing a salad without some pervert in your replies.

I’m the pervert.

accidentally drank a THC seltzer

Why did they call it the back of the plane and not the derriair?

this is like the time i got a new label maker

I used to be somewhat funny

german porn is just so weird

If by cremation you mean buried in a casket full of cum, yes cremate me

I made lamb, rice with a pan gravy, and green beans for dinner tonight

Women saying they’re having a ‘girls night’ is code for us all sitting around and farting in shoeboxes