I'm sorry but the coffee is no good if the barista doesn't have any piercings.

Someone: (keeps talking to me)

Me: I will need you to spell it when you use “your” or “you’re” in the conversation.

One of the problems with today's world is that the intelligent people are quiet and full of doubt while the stupid people are full of confidence and shout the loudest because they don't know any better.

When my teachers said I should pay attention because I’d need to know this stuff for the future, I didn’t realize they meant when my kids were in school and I had to do it all over again

Somewhere out there is a person that blocked you for being too nice to them on the internet.

My stupid tweets are the most popular. Maybe because a lot of people here are stupid.

Not you, but, you know, the stupid ones.

I'd share my tater tots with you.

Telling a lady at any age to “chill” is the same as telling them to “calm down.”

It's like asking for a voluntary death sentence.

Welcome to your 50’s .. you’ve now come the stage in life where if you sit in the wrong chair, you can hardly walk the next day.

Fun times.

breaking bones wouldn’t be such a bitch if they glowed like cracked glow sticks.

According to this judge, March Madness is not a legitimate Legal Defense.

When Tom and Jerry fight and make a mess the clean up is often left to mousekeeping.

The feminine urge to start the new bottle of shampoo before finishing the old one

Did you read this tweet?

Please reply yes, if you did,
and no, if you didn't.

It's only a one way street if you care

I’m sure glad fist bumps are a thing of the past.

Dear work, I am set to do not disturb

Do you prefer like or repost?

For some people if you stand next to a puddle without a face veil that's a nude beach

In Scotland they pronounce it Rage Against the Mac Hine.