haven’t tweeted in months, but hi🖤

Welcome to Twitter, where people will literally say 'that's true, but I don't agree'.

I don't understand how couples can sleep on any bed smaller than a queen because WHERE DO THE DOGS SLEEP?

My Southern charms include knowing the perfect casserole for any occasion.

My Southern charms include making his eyes roll back while blessing his heart.

Welcome to your 50s. You can no longer see the instructions or open packaging.

I'm having a 'I survived the Rapture' party at Camp Crystal Lake. Should be fun. Who's in?

Ever wonder why Gen-X is so badass? Have you seen how scary the original Oompa Loompa’s were from Willy Wonka?

*Superman putting on his eclipse glasses*
Lois Lane: Bizarro Clark??

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

I have bras older than some of you.

I don’t know who needs to hear it but you’re doing better than you think you are.

Pringles were intended to be eaten 1 sleeve per snack session. If you aren't doing that you're doing it wrong

I’d call him Jon Bongiovi right to his fucking face.

Dear kids, when I was your age and found one of these under the couch it almost certainly was not going to be Bambi.

23andMe has nothing to do with gang bangs.
Now I know.

My husband says he wants me to be happy.

Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of the house.

Any night I don't have to get up to go pee is a victory.

Hey Twitter, I’d like to see other people’s posts too please.

You only have big shoes to fill if the person you're trying to impress is a clown