My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says 'are you going to work today?'
But her eyes say 'in THAT outfit?'

Doris didn't care if this really was the hottest fashion trend in Paris, she thought the hat looked silly.

My grass might not be greener, but my flowers are prettier.

I'm 'don't flash your headlights at someone who doesn't have theirs on bc they will come and kill you' years old.

“What news do you bring me from over the mountains, my little friend?”

“There is a great storm coming, you should find shelter soon. Also, I saw hunters camped in the valley.”

“Anything else?”

“Your mother wants to know if you’re eating enough. She says she worries about you.”

My tummy hurts. Probably all the butterflies having a knife fight.

I'll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Kidz Bop version of
'More Human Than Human'
called 'More Not Fair Than Fair' written by my 5 year old.

'OH SNAP, BUT MY CREDIT SCORE IS SO ON FLEEK.'
I shout at the teens who called me old.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

My skill set is fine. It’s my will set that’s lacking.

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for 'just a second'

The last time I summoned a demon, I had to give up half my retirement and pay 5 years of alimony to get her to leave

Can’t beat a robot in chess, but a chess board can’t beat me in doing the robot.

Welcome to your 50’s, you always have a pinched nerve now

Auto correct just tried to change Catherine to Caffeine and I feel seen.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Coworker: You wanna go to lunch?
Me: Yeah
Coworker: Okay, we’re leaving in 5 minutes
Me: Oh. Go to lunch with you guys. No

Get busy paying or get busy filing

- The Shawshank Tax Exemption

My husband has some nerve commenting on my grey hair like he isn’t the cause at least half of them