7: I need a hundred dollars.

Me:: Why!?

7: No reason what-so-ever!

Me: Seems sus, no.

7: Dang it.

Buying clothes a size larger to grow into isn’t exclusive to children you know.

Overheard at the soccer game this morning from the 12 year old team, “I’m Lionel Messi, bitch!”

Other kids chanting, “Messi! Messi!”

That kid’s going places.

I close-mouth-yawned with coffee in my mouth this morning so maybe it's not working today.

*talking about earth day on the way to school*

8yo: don’t litter, save water

6yo: make sure they don’t connect with each other

me: what doesn’t connect with each other

6yo: the earth and the sun

me:

8yo: help animals

Sorry I was late, the floor was lava.

Imagine meeting 'the one' but she has Styrofoam wig heads.

It’s mirth on Earth Day for those who celebrate.

Emails be like unsubscribe here and then they send you an email to tell you you’ve unsubscribed.

what wine goes best with wine

We left “can’t park without lines” season and went straight into “can’t park within the lines” season

[Wife comes home from hair salon]

Me: Your hair looks great! Did you also change the color?

9yo [From her bedroom upstairs]: OMG! She got her eyebrows done!

🎷🥁🎷 Tweet Call 🎷🥁🎷

Share any one or two tweets that you love of yours or anyone - old or new, for ❤️ and 🔁

Please keep it clean, cool, non-political and fun!

Call open till I get bored 😂

🩵 Thanks! 🩵

Someone dressed their llama up as a groomsmen in their wedding and why am I obsessed with this? 😂💀

My favorite coworker is the one who speaks the least.

Me to my kids: Stop fighting!

Me watching a hockey game: Fiiiiggghhtttttt!!!

When I see a car at the side of the road I assume there’s mechanical trouble, when I see a mini van at the side of the road I assume a kid has to pee

Nobody:

My son, 8: “Wait is Eminem still alive?”

3 absolutes in life
- Death
- Taxes
- Your kids will wait until 5 mins before leaving for their soccer game to find their jersey (and then complain you didn't wash it)

Dear credit card companies,

Please make the card activation label as sticky and difficult to tear off in one piece as possible. Thank you.

Love,
Everyone