10yo: Mom, what year were you born?
Me: 1982
10yo: You were born in the 1900s?!?!

Being a boy mom is like being in a dysfunctional relationship with a drunken dwarf.

One second I’m being snuggled and the next a fart is being aimed directly at my face.

Just did a big Costco trip which means we’re ordering food tonight because now I don’t feel like cooking.

As a mom, I’ve learned to accept that you can have phone chargers or you can have kids, but you definitely can’t have both.

Having a kid is like having a little broke bestie who thinks you’re rich and always carrying endless snacks for them.

“Geriatric Millennial” is not gonna happen.

Sure, deep sea diving is tough, but have you ever had to hold in your laugh when your kid does something naughty but funny?

Moms shouldn’t be expected to bake with their children until they’re at least 25 years old.

#momlife

Let’s take a moment of silence for all the moms with toddlers who have learned how to open baby gates.

Raising a boy is kinda like being in a dysfunctional relationship with a drunken dwarf. One second I’m getting kisses and snuggles, the next a fart is being aimed directly at my face.

If you think you’re on the verge of losing your mind being stuck quarantined while homeschooling kids & trying to work from home w everyone slowing down the FUGGIN WiFi, just remember there’s a dog mom out there who thinks they are having the exact same experience as you...

I really miss taking my kids to birthday parties. JUST KIDDING! Those were terrible.

#momlife

Being a mom means every time your phone rings, a child screams. It is law.

#momlife

Kids are so brave. I mean, not many people will call you fat to your face.

#parenting

My favorite part of the pandemic so far is curbside pickup margaritas.

#pandemiclife

Parenting during a pandemic is stressful, but is it normal for your left eye to twitch for a week straight?
Asking for a friend...

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

Let’s normalize being mom friends without playdates or hosted dinners. Moms’ Night Out is all we need.

#Friends #parenting

During our blackout, I think my kids missed their BFF Alexa the most.

#parenting #kids #momlife

Sleep as a mom is just like regular sleep except that the sound of a bug’s fart will wake you up.

#momlife