Once they arrest all the protestors, ban Tik Tok and make it illegal to say 'Israel bad' it should be smooth sailing from there

going to TJ Maxx. does anyone need any new clothes and/or gourmet pasta shells?

u ever tar and feather a guy and realize ur out of feathers so u just give it to him straight and say listen buddy. gonna be mostly tar today

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

is he… y’know… *imitates crab claws*… from maryland???

So you’re telling me this crab ran with goons

eclipses don’t impress me. i am abruptly overcome by darkness every day

I'm all nervous, no system.

i'm actually a triple threat (anxious, depressed, burnt out)

Jolene apparently knows Dolly Parton *and* Beyonce so I can only assume the “flaming locks of auburn hair” belong to known hussy Willie Nelson.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

damn gurl ur regards warm af

Life with a dog consists of 90% following each other around, watching each other use the bathroom and wondering what the other is eating.

god bless the industrial revolution ❤️ i love my vibrator

need a zero calorie drink with 300 mgs of caffeine, 6mgs of nicotine, 8% abv and 25 grams of protien

Big Bird is like 3000 times the size of a bird. 'Big' doesn't even begin to describe it. They should call him the yellow freak

if screens bad why watching big screen while holding little screen feel so good

LGBTQ (let’s get biryani tonight queen)

if i was NPR’s competitor i would put on a concert with the biggest fucking desk you’ve ever seen

yeah i’m into dune 2. dune 2 chicks at the same time