I don't wanna brag but every other week for a brief couple days, I'm a multi-thousandaire.

me: i deserve a treat

bank account: for the love of god pls stop

I am so happy about something that happened at school today and had to share. First, never underestimate the impact little things can make. Ripple effects are real.

He looks like he's about to release a duet with Colbie Caillat

Who ever is telling people household appliances aren’t gifts hasn’t reached full adulting because you gift me a good vacuum and I’ll love you forever

The most unbelievable part of the Farmer in the Dell is the fact that the cheese is left standing alone at the end. Cheese? Left alone? Get real.

When a mother has no choice but to surfboard carry her screaming 30+lb toddler out of an establishment she does not need your gross disapproving judgmental glares.

Hello, tiny floof 😍

I'd cuddle the fuck out of you, Motherfucker

Who came up with pussy and not 'clitten'?

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

Or what is referred to in scientific circles as a 'Duo Lipa'

How cute, this waiter brought me a fork to eat my fries, like I’m some kind of lady.

Cardi B: 🎶I making money moves

Me: *borrows money to cover overdraft fees* same

Every hotel room should have a thermostat setting that makes it 62° when you go to sleep and 72° when you wake up.

I'm not devastatingly sad I'm just raining

Me: *starts to fall asleep*

My brain:

I burn for you, Motherfucker