Just stopping by to let you know I'm not dead.

That's it, that's the tweet. 💀🫶

When all the wives who've never talked back are the only ones invited to the rapture. 💀

Not sure if I should chop you up & put you in a freezer or bake you a pie.

Bless your stupid heart.

Fun fact:
I've spent more total hours with Jerry than I ever did with my birth father. 😵💀😭🖤RIP

'Would you like to sync contacts with Twitter?'

Fuck no.
In fact, if you know me IRL please block me.
K thanks byeeee

💀💀

I've been gone a long time, so I have no idea who's talking shit about who.

Every time I hear someone refer to themselves as an 'influencer,' I find myself highly influenced to kick them into traffic.

If you don't feel like folding the laundry, just set the house on fire.
I'm a problem solver.

I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t like Led Zeppelin…

🤷‍♀️💀😇

My wife wandered off 30 minutes ago in the grocery store, I have the shopping cart, her purse and cell phone. I guess I'm single now.

Girl....same. 💀

Eating 2 edibles & going to the grocery store is the most excitement I like to get.

It puts the veggies in the laundry baskets 🍀

Please pray for Blanca.
There ain't a damn thing wrong with her, she's just crying real tears because I won't let her eat the dryer repair man. 💀

I don’t trust anyone who’s got philanthropist in their bio.

fuck these gas prices it's cheaper to buy cocaine and just run everywhere

Therapist lady says 'time heals all wounds' so I stabbed her, and now we wait.

If you google my net worth it's just an empty Doritos bag & some low self esteem.