Pisces: Lift your spirits by lowering your expectations. No, lower than that. Keep going…

Aquarius: Think of a time in your life when you were happy. Remember: you’ll never be able to return to that.

Capricorn: You’ll find great success in writing a commercial jingle that drives at least three people to madness.

Sagittarius: Keep a song in your heart and some snacks in your pocket, for when you go missing in the catacombs on Thursday.

Scorpio: A “glass-half-full” optimism serves you well. We wish you’d checked what was in that glass, though. The outlook is…not good.

Libra: This will be a week to lift your spirits. Whiskey, vodka or tequila are good choices, but most anything with a strong alcohol content will do.

Virgo: Today, you'll experience a surge of disappointment as your grand plans crumble into tiny, irrelevant pieces. Maybe it's time to accept that the universe finds your endeavors as amusing as we do.

Leo: You'll get a taste of the rock & roll lifestyle this week when you die alone in a hotel bathtub.

Cancer: There is a special place for you in the great beyond, and someday you will discover it. Oddly, Dante didn’t mention it when he wrote about the other circles.

Gemini: In a world full of unkindness, there's honestly less directed at you than we expected.

Taurus: You are your own worst enemy but everyone else is tied for second place.

Aries: A cyborg sent from the future will help you redecorate.

WHEN THE WIND BLOWS COLD FROM THE WEST, YOUR Sorrow-scopes ARE HERE TO WARM YOU WITH THE FIRE OF OUR COLLECTIVE IMPERFECTIONS.

Stop, drop, and roll over to our place for this week's assortment.

YOU CAN’T SPELL ‘DEFEATED BY LIFE’ WITHOUT (INSERT YOUR NAME).

YOUR NEW Sorrow-scopes SPELL OUT THE LATEST REASONS WHY

On the other hand, you *can* spell 'victory' without u

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Pisces: Love can take many forms, but that pulsating, shimmering darkness in the corner of your bedroom is not one of them.

Aquarius: Wow. Just wow. What the stars have in store for you cannot be published on this app without an immediate lifetime ban.

Capricorn: You will make a new friend this week. Yes, they’re an imaginary friend, and yes, they will leave you just like everybody else.

Sagittarius: Your plants aren’t dying from lack of water. It’s out of spite.

Scorpio: Now would be a good time to buy duct tape, garbage bags and a cooler large enough to fit a body.